Yes, Your Royal High-Ass

Ok, kids. Today's lesson is on entitlement. *the sound of children's exuberant screams* It's pronounced [en-tahy-tl-muhnt], and can also be spelled, B-I-T-C...you know what, nevermind. Basically, it means that someone thinks they're better than eeeeeeveryone else and therefore can treat people howeeeeeever they would like. Here is a very simple test to use to tell if someone feels entitled.

-They order food that is not on the menu. "You have a kitchen and chefs. You should be able to whip that up." "Sir, if it's so easy to make, why didn't you make it at home instead of taking the effort to come in here and make my life miserable?" *karate chop to the throat**followed by possible job opening*

-They ask you to get food from another restaurant, so they can sit and eat it at your restaurant. I realize this is not the case for everyone, but where I work, there is a restaurant beside mine owned by the same company...but it is a DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. I don't care if you want the soup from the other restaurant. If you ask me to get that for you, I am required to do so, however, so why don't we make a deal? I'll go stand in line at a DIFFERENT RESTAURANT and you can make up for the tips I'll lose while I'm in line at a DIFFERENT RESTAURANT waiting for your food, neglecting my other tables.

-They change the menu item until is is nigh unrecognizable. "I'd like the chicken salad, but instead of chicken, I want meatloaf, and instead of lettuce, I want rye bread, and instead of the vinaigrette, I want chocolate sauce, and instead of the cheese, I want pot roast..." "I'm going to stop you there. First of all, this completely new dish you've created is disgusting. Secondly, *karate chop to throat*"*followed by possible job opening*

Ok, kids. This is the best way to handle people with a sense of entitlement. Tell them, "No." It will likely be the first time that they've heard that in their entire lives. Don't feel like you're being mean. It's called tough love. And sometimes it's called, "I'm sorry [manager's name] but they really deserved a karate chop to the throat."

Fresh Blog!

Ok, people. So here's the low down. I have been a server for a few years now, and I am ready to share with the world things I'm learning about the service industry as I learn them. This blog is directed towards anyone who has worked in the service industry before, and the people who enjoy going out and being served. The purpose of this blog is to make you laugh, cry (from too much laughter), and maybe even hate mankind a little. From my experience in working in a hometown diner, a family owned start up restaurant, and a corporate owned fine dining establishment, I will teach you how to act when dining out, how to keep your cool as a server, and how to safely smash your head against a wall. This is a necessary skill for all servers.

For those of you not involved in the service industry, let me quickly explain the title of this blog. "On the fly," means you need something fast. As in, five minutes ago. This title embodies the feel of servers around the world, as one thing we all know about people is that when they want something, they want it right now. Contrary to popular belief, servers do not have magic powers and can not make your well done burger cook thoroughly in the 15 seconds between when you order it and when you exasperatedly ask if it's ready yet. More to come on this topic later.

We're going to keep it simple for the maiden blog post. I want to be clear, that this blog is not solely to focus on the negative aspects of restaurant culture, but also to rejoice in the fun aspects. Here is my list of pros and cons of choosing a life in the service industry.

Cons:

-When someone has waited tables long enough, they no longer have feet, only wounded nubs, stuck in tennis shoes to look natural.

-In the mind of most guests, the server's job is to seat the table, take the order, cook the food, run the food, pre-bus the table, compliment them on their outfit, dance for their amusement, and silence all children in the restaurant...all in a timely manner. At most restaurants, we are not required to also compliment the patrons outfit.

-I have never met a server named, "Boy,""Waitress,""Hey, you," or "What the hell!?" yet time and again, I've seen people misread our name tags for these.

-Sometimes, a big smile, perfect service, excellent food, and an overall V.I.P. experience is worth whatever change people can find in the bottom of their linty pocket. "Thank you, sir, for this gumball money. In fact, my landlord PREFERS to receive the rent in change."

-Servers generally have more than one table to attend to at a time. Other guests SEE you at these tables. They HEAR you speaking to other tables. Despite this, if you are not standing directly in front their table, you must be in the back playing bridge.

Pros:

- Money...sometimes.

Have a lovely day and remember to neuter your waiter and tip your pets!...wait...